God revealed to me today that I avoid people that I see myself in. I was recently out at Waffle House when a homeless man began talking to me. I had been having anxiety the entire day because I had been yielding to the Spirit of Fear. As soon as he opened his mouth, I felt peace exuding out of him and my anxiety immediately left me. Then his countenance changed and he asked for my phone number. I had never been in a situation like that & gave him my number under pressure. He called me 15 times and texted me 10 times after we left the place. I was afraid of him (& I think it’s logical for any girl to be) but my fear was unusual and in that moment, I could no longer see the peace that I had initially seen coming from him, but only my own fear. God showed me that I fear people who appear needy for the approval of man, people who are desperate for love and acceptance, and people who are lonely. I fear them because I know what they’re capable of. They are like leeches who will suck the life from you. I know that because I am that person.
This man was boldly expressing what he felt inside: desperation. I never responded to him, & I still don’t believe that I should have, but he called me “one of those Christian liars” for not doing so. During the days ahead I referred to him as a weirdo and I had more fear of people than I ever have. But everything he expressed outwardly are things I feel inwardly toward others. It looks like insanity, and it is. But I relate to it more than I was willing to admit. I am constantly filled with anger and pain over rejection from people. I am always seeking to be fulfilled by being received by man. I find myself having to continuously “try to overcome my grudge.”
John 5:44 says, “No wonder you can’t believe! For you gladly honor each other, but you don’t care about the honor that comes from the one who alone is God.”
I honor approval, acceptance, and love from man above the approval, acceptance, and love from God. I value theirs above Gods because I don’t understand the full value of God’s.
God, please change my heart… I want to be free from myself… YOU have received me. I want to understand the weight of that…